Post by Barry Hodges on Oct 4, 2010 11:09:39 GMT
Most people think Blandford Forum is a charming Dorset town
Although marginally a bit staggeringly boring I suppose.
Indeed the most interesting thing which ever happens there
Is the annual cleaning of the gents' toilet down by the river,
Which usually results in some unpleasant findings
Of unmentionable things jammed down the pan.
But I have some deliriously happy and sensual memories
Of my exciting and erotically charged times in that dear borough,
And also some terrifying memories which will probably
Make you regurgitate your breakfast with a bit of bad luck;
Hopefully you didn't have porridge.
I recall I was hopping along the High Street one fine day
Accompanied by my blind midget transvestite uncle, Edwina,
(Having just had a finger amputated by a Somali dentist
In a copse on the road to Sturminster Newton
As the result of an unwise bet on the local Hebrew trial outcome).
And as I did so, mumbling obscenities under my breath
Concerning the incredible rise in homosexuality in the area,
A gang of public schoolboys (dressed in skintight pink shorts
So I am unsure whether they hailed from Bryanston or Clayesmore)
Suddenly emerged from a toilet and leaped upon unsuspecting Edwina
And ripped his fat body to shreds with upper class grunts;
Mercifully they refrained from sodomising him/her first
Or else they might have caught a nasty social disease.
Oh what a mess it made on the paving stones, oh dear me.
Then I barely had enough time to run off down the street
To have a really nice lunch in the Crown Hotel
(they have a good wine list and the beef isn't too bad)
Where I managed to persuade one of the waitresses
To sleep with me afterwards for £50 as compensation.
You will be interested to learn that the next morning
I had a really good and thorough evacuation of my bowels
Before washing her minge-oozings away.
A new version of an old poem- dedicated to Mrs Mulholland!
