Childhood beliefs

[Fraser Allonby Q.C.]

For a long time I thought my urine was yellow
because we ate corn flakes every morning
and I thought they were causing it to be so.
I resented my old bitch of a grandmother for years
because of this.

I used to believe (until I was about 20)
that I needed to stand up when wiping my arse.
I had never seen anyone wipe before,
so it just seemed natural to me that one would stand.
It wasn't until I was having a faeces (or poo-poos) with a girlfriend
that I realised that it was possible (and preferable)
to do it sitting on the shitpot, but you have to
watch out you don't drip on your hand.

I used to believe that eating dandelions
would make you wet the bed.
Often, however, I wet the bed and yet
had not eaten any dandelions.

Several years ago my younger cousin told me
that her best friend told her
that if a girl's new pee and your old pee
are mixed together she could get pregnant.
I was a bit confused as to how old and new pee
would get mixed together, she said that
if you jumped up and down a lot it would mix.
I have always been careful to ask ladies
not to jump up and down a lot during sex
And it has worked so far.

[Edna Sweetlove]

I noticed your typo in the title and so, using my all-powerful moderator powers, I have intervened and corrected it! Apart from that, the writing is powerful and full of meaning and whimsy.

[spamheid]

I always stand up afore wiping ma arse. And also before wiping anyone else's arse. This is a fine wee poem.

[Edna Sweetlove]

Spammy has told us more than we needed to know. Much more.

[montez]

This is not poetry IMHO you honour.
AND, it's filthy!
Rubens DaftYorkshirelad

[johnny nobody]

I enjoyed this recollection
of how to wipe your bum
it gave me an erection
and nearly made me come.

[Romeo Gupta Singh]

When I was a child I remember seeing my mother's bottom when she had had a bath. It was better than before she had it. And not so ugly or pockmarked as the bottom of my fat ugly wife.

[montez]

On a scale of 1-10 Juliet, how ugly is your fat ferkin wife?
R.

[gayboy]

I would like to know what is the normal position for arse-wiping? Personally I like the gay position which is mutual....

[montez]

I once saw a man in India dip his arse'ole in the river, then, using his hand he cleaned it.
This seems to me the most hygienic way of doing it - if, of course, you have a river to hand.
R. Sole.

[Fraser Allonby Q.C.]

But think of the poor folks downstream.

[Edna Sweetlove]

This filth must stop.
Or maybe not.