An old joke retold in the style of Bernard Manning

[Douglas Ramsbottom]

This fella went to see a plastic surgeon;
"I'm getting married in a few months, doc,
and I'm a bit worried about me wedding tackle,
I hear you fellers can increase the size nowadays!"
The doctor looked up at his patient and said,
"It's a dangerous op, mate, I only do it
in the direst emergencies, so let's see yer prick."
So the guy dropped his duds and took out his dong.

"Strewth, you've got a problem there, mate,
I've seen bigger knobs on a transistor radio;
reckon I'd better fix you up - but it'll cost a fucking packet,"
Said the quack with a shriek of laughter.
"Money's no object, doc, it's me wedding,
I want me little darlin' to sample me at me best."

"Well", said the doc, "We've got three models,
the six incher, the nine incher and the twelve-O;
I hope you'se not offended if I observe that
the sixer would be a fucking great improvement, mate;
so I'll go and fetch you one so you can take a gander!"

And the quack went and fetched the six inch one
which caused a gasp of admiration from the betrothed:
"That's a real beaut, that'll do the trick, doc!"
But he added, "I wouldn't mind seeing the nine incher though,
just for scientific reasons, doc, if that's no prob."

And when he saw the niner, his manly jaw dropped.
"Jeez, that's a right corker, doc, I might as well go for that one,
me intended deserves the best I can give her!"
And the doctor agreed he might as well be hung
like a ram rather than a lamb, to coin a phrase.

"Before I sign on the old dotted line, mate,
how's about showing me the big boy, the king size one,
the twelve inch beaut you mentioned before?"
The doc sadly wondered if this was a wise move,
but off he went to get the foot-long dick
(after all, in private practice, the customer is king).

"Jeesus H!" cried out the prospective organ recipient,
his hand rushing up to his face in shock and awe,
"That is totally fucking out of this world,
it's a thing of beauty and a joy forever!
And he added hopefully, "Do you it in white?"

[spamheid]

I love poor taste. And this is about as poor taste as you can get. Well done. Here's a wee joke fae Scotland.
A zebra at the zoo is feeling rather depressed. The keeper decides to take him on a day trip to a local farm to cheer him up. First he goes to visit the sheep:
"Hullo," he says, "What do you chaps do around here?"
"Well," say the sheep, "we're the sheep. We eat grass, the sheepdog rounds us up, the farmer shears us...."
"Oh yes, "says the zebra, "very interesting. Must rush!"
And he goes on to the pigs:
"Hullo," he says, "What do you chaps do around here?"
"Aye, we're the pigs. We roll in the mud, we eat turnips, we go oink oink...."
"Oh yes, "says the zebra, "very interesting. Must rush!"
And he goes to see the cows:
"Hullo," he says, "What do you chaps do around here?"
"Oh, we're the cows. We eat grass, the farmer milks us, we go into the byre, we say moo...."
"Oh yes, "says the zebra, "very interesting. Must rush!"
And he goes into the byre to see the bull:
"I say," he says, "what do you do around here?"
"Right, "says the bull, "Just get those fancy fucking pyjamas off and I'll fucking show ye!"

[David Grease]

You LIMY ASSHOLES need to learn a bit of humour instead of this stupid sophomore bullshit. Heres a coupla good ones......

What did the french say when Hitler marched into Paris?
Table for 20,000 monsieur?

Whats yellower than the stripe down a frenchmans back?
An English mans teeth!!!!

What did the japs say when we blew there asses out of their heads at Nagasaki?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah--------soooooooooooooole!

Bloody europeans they make me wanna throw up with there airs and graces who do you think you are

[spamheid]

make love roughly off and die.
By the way, we dinnae have sophomores over here. Thank make love roughly for that.

[zilbermann]

"Location: The USA - God's Own Country!" -- so says "David Grease". Yet he writes "humour". Very likely he's a Brit impersonating an American. I'm truly an American; it isn't God's Own Country and only a minority (some very silly Americans) claims that it is.

[Edna Sweetlove]

Tut tut. Edna will have to bring her banning hammer into action unless David Grease shuts his gob.

[spamheid]

Good point about the spelling of humour. However, he also spells Limey as Limy, and appears to have trouble with capital letters and general punctuation. Perhaps he is just a stupid twat?

[zilbermann]

No, in looking over the writings here of "David Grease" I have become convinced that he isn't for real. Just a pose, like a number of other fictitious participants in this website. But I myself am for real, although I have never sworn under penalty of perjury that everything I write is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

[Edna Sweetlove]

I have decided, although I do not approve of censorship. to tell Mr Grease he must apologise to us for being such rude MF or else Edna will ban him for a month. Basically he's a cunt.

[zilbermann]

"Bloody Europeans..." says David Grease, who is pretending to be American. We Americans never use the word "bloody" in this way. So is Edna mad at Grease for being rude to Europeans? If gambling were not a sin I'd bet Grease is a Brit himself. He says dumb things while posing as an American, thus trying to make us real Americans look bad.

[Edna Sweetlove]

I too noticed "bloody" and "humour". How about if he's an American using English spellings intentionally as he's trying to make us think he's a Brit pretending to be an American thus trying to make real Americans look bad?

If I didn't know you were for real Zilby, how would I know you weren't a nasty American who's really a Brit trying to be an American trying to make us think he's a Brit pretending to be an American thus trying to make real Americans look nice?

My brain hurts. Maybe I'll just ban him.

[rikkimezis]

Fair suck of the sauce bottle!!
You should all know by now that it is utterly impossible to make a yank or a pom look bad.
They aee so far down the ladder of good and bad that they had gone right passed the bottom rung and are now halfway down again.

[Edna Sweetlove]

To Zilby & Spammy: I have now realised that part of the reason for the confusion is Edna's censored words list. There are 10 words Edna doesn't like and the website will change them if they are used. One is the US spelling of humour which gets a U added in whether you like it or not. Another one is a VERY NAUGHTY ADJECTIVE implying copulation with a maternal parent which gets replaced by "bloody". Thus Mr Greaseball inadvertently hit on two words which got amended by Edna's computer program. It still doesn't explain "limy" but that's probably just his ignorance. The other 8 are equally amusing amendments. Try a noun implying a male who enjoys fellatio and see what you get.

To Rikki: go and suck your own sauce bottle, you naughty person. Enough dissing of us poms and watch out you ozzie abos.

[rikkimezis]

Be careful now, or we might send your cricket team home with their tail between legs. Most likely tucked in somewhere deep and dark. Giggggles

[Edna Sweetlove]

To RikkiM: I have to say I have as much interest in cricket as I have in contracting TB. Having said that, I seem to have heard on the TV News (before I could hit the mute button or change channels when the dread word "sport" came up) that the English team were apparently smashing the living shite out of the Australian team. In the old days, cricket was played by well-spoken gentlemen in nice blazers and they feared nothing; nowadays it seems to be played by yobs in coloured clothing with adverts for beer on the back and wearing crash helmets in case a little ball knocks a bit of sense into them. I believe basketball is popular in Latvia.

[zilbermann]

OK, I'm going to put in some American spellings and see what happens:

honour
humour
colour
plow ("plough", really)

[zilbermann]

Amazing! This @#$%&! website computer won't tolerate American spellings (except for plow ("plough", really)). I must protest this anti-Americanism! And I guess I'm wrong about the evidence for the nationality of David Grease; nevertheless it remains obvious that his writing is ironic.

[Edna Sweetlove]

p-l-o-w? I'll fix that one! This is Edna's revenge for all those comments made by Americans when I spell things correctly! Some of the replacements I have have put in are quite witty (I think) - try using the name of the other US political party (not the one beginning with a D). Or try the word implying a male person who is fond of doing fellatio on his friends.

[zilbermann]

You claimed to be against censorship but now you are censoring American spellings. I do not intend to look at this website of yours again unless you inform me via Allpoetry that you have abandoned the idea of censoring spelling.

[Edna Sweetlove]

Dear Zilby. This is NOT censorship. It is humour. I'm sorry you don't see the joke. It's also NOT "anti-Americanism", as you must surely realise. I have also placed some changes on other words; for example the N-word gets changed to something different. But it's up to you, Zilby.

[spamheid]

willie-sniffer

I rather like that. Ye auld radge pot!

[David Grease]

Listen you guys I gotta apologise for what I said - it was way out of order - I guess Id been at the sauce bottle. But your still fucking limeys.

[rikkimezis]

From what 1 have heard of Edna, she'll make love roughly anyone. Hell, I was told that she has even fucked a duck!!!!

[zilbermann]

I am most pleased to hear from Edna that I am to be permitted to use the American spelling for that glorious agricultural tool. But now for the test: plow ("plough", really)

[zilbermann]

Well, I wouldn't call this 100% satisfactory, but I'll let it slide.

[Edna Sweetlove]

I felt sure you would appreciate the joke.

[montez]

Hi Everyone,
I is new to the site, and confess to loving the banter between critiquers (is that RIGHT? Doesn't look it!) more than the actual mundane joke above.
I 'as writ a few jokes missen, but always in rhyme - though I agree sometimes the real meaning can be lost - and will post a couple on here.
Regards,
Robin.